Divination Cards: Megan and Mel

The Artists:

The following posts (all of November) are intended as a prototype for a set of Divination Cards created in collaboration with artist Megan Gertler. Megan can be reached at theseahagsdaughter@yahoo.com. I can be reached at msmel1979@yahoo.com.

Our Idea:

divination. as a method. of standing under.

these cards are intended to re-present. perhaps you have a question. allow the cards to offer an alter.native. to suggest. a not her way of seeing. a glimpse. glance. into your reality. in to some thing. out.side the scope. of your vision. or mine. some thing channeled me. to write. these words. un.censored. many of them. written on my fire escape. out side. al.one. in a confined space. anxious. listen to the wind. watch the birds. sit alone. write in my notebook. in no chrono.logical order.

So I wrote them down. and you picked them up. what brought you here? do you believe in coincidences? can one act ever exist on its own timeline? choose a card. any one.

read the text. look at the images. can you imagine why you might have chosen that card? that particular message? perhaps that card chose you? is it possible that messages come from space to reach a person who needs to hear them? are you lonely? maybe today you are on the verge of a major decision. sell your house. marry. have an abortion.

I have no ideas why the card you chose might be of any interest to you. at all. but you do. read the text. look at the images. what’s happening here? do you know? are you prepared to consider the messages?

how you read them is up to you. I suggest candles. quiet spaces. contemplation. pick one at random. just point and click. see what happens. how your life is reflected. how it isn’t. expect nothing. be open to anything.

Love Card

L O V E

(never what it seems)

love. as in: missing you. exhaust time. write poems. about love. for love. with the hope of falling. in love. with desperation. with in.action. a need. to be. cared for. a performance. of caring. smile. butter his bread.

love. as in: some body help me. I got bills. mommy lives. far. a way. I need. some one wash my panties. love. as in: sex. at night. after work. a person. to attend. functions with. a person. tell me I appear. beautiful. aesthetically. re.assure me. touch. a person. not plugged in. to the wall. can’t put it in. the drawer. a person. with breath. who loves me.

love. as in: my parents. their love. as a model. for my lovers. my imagination of. their love. or decision to. love. their children. their jobs. their house. while I re.side. alone. in new jersey. wear glasses.

love. as in: I’m sorry. I can never speak. to you. a.gain. as in: this will. never work. bet.ween us. me and you. it’s over. sorry. it’s not that. it’s not. love. it’s not that it’s not. it’s just not. love. as in: all over. now. love. as in: eating pizzas. on the bed. in our under wear. grow fat to.get.her. to age. with food. on my face. laugh. your feet. curl. under your thigh. massage your head. a beautiful shape. for a head. with a dip. love. as in: missing you. as in: a fantasy of what. kind. of. relation ship we might sail. if we weren’t two. authentic people. there were never enough. lies. for us. to survive.

Secrets Card

S E C R E T S

(lonely. under a bus.)

secrets. fester. destroy. chance at an honest life. suddenly dropped. on my face. i must find a space. to carry. these secrets. i send them to sadie. on envelopes. the secrets can.not. sustain life. which maintains its own secrets. creates lies. to cover them up. soon enough. the secret was smothered. alone on the left. is the lie. which becomes the new secret.

tearing at my flesh. secrets that began as lies, covering for other secrets. i’m wondering why. your skin is an aching organism. how many other feet have walked in your shoes. who stole your boots? carried your dreams? no longer a collector of stories. a dreamer of lies. echos.

suddenly cramped in the space under a bus for twelve hours. nine people. no windows. no bathroom. no food. silence. the hum of the wheel hot under my ass. fleshed up against a stranger. always touching. never speaking. silencing each other. this bus is a nightmare leading to a life of daydreams which can never truly exist in this land of make-believe. someone told me about this place. created stories, covered up with lies, masking secrets and now i’m stuck here too.

Learn Card

L E A R N

(ways in which to grow.)

knowledge. now. from a ledge. sitting on the fire. escape. for a defined period of time. to contemplate. perhaps. to jump. to learn. to watch birds. trees move. a cat comes. I click. at it. silence. take space in. breathe. listen. period of quiet. reflect.ion. ankles tinge. the bowels. learn. from the ear. to hear. as in, to shut up. this once.

loud students. a bus stop. cram. wear uniform colors. hormone display. cuss words. hard.cover text books. the cafeteria. learn. where to sit. with whom.

soothing brilliance. red yarn. sculpted into hair. attached to a piece of glass. as in, art. learn to appreciate the fantasy. the idea. learn to allow. art. without teachers. only silence. ancestry. to guide you. through this tempest. of knowledge.

imagine college. read. books. some.one. suggested. take them. at their word. speak some other. language. become. a doctor. study. sturdy.

for.get a job. one that promises pay. don’t. become an artist. for money. poetry pities payment. become a poet. for spirit. to acknowledge. the god.dess. erupted from some.w.here. with.in. for knowledge.

Kill Card

K I L L

(deciding who lives)



Kill or be dead. like a warrior. soldier. in Iraq. I wrack. my brain. search for reasons. set fire to people. impale them. People like me. who am I. killing. buying their pain. Because of my needs. for heat. my car. movie theatre experiences. Kill them all. don’t stop. some may live to speak. the horror. Some may come. attempt revenge.

Imagine fois gras. once a.live. force fed fat. swollen liver. tortured with me. in mind. or pigs. chopped. bled in silver rooms with saws. chickens. cows. Bludgeoned.

Lamb of god. his constant killing. in a flood. no. twice. once with noah. once in the sea. drowns them. severe water damage. so learned my military. pleasant name like waterboarding. remniscent of wakeboarding. on the beach. with dad. questions arise. can it be? torture? gag with water. confuse lungs.

Sacrifice my one and only. son. sacrifice eating. meat. on fridays. only kill the fish. dolphin safe. tuna. dead tunas but the dolphins are safe. don’t harm the dolphins.

Share Card

S H A R E

(together we can)

break it in two. we can share. one half mine. one half yours. one of two. our brother approaches. share with him. learn to share. our bedroom. at night. we play “guess what I’m thinking of.” I say, it’s blue. you guess. correct. share laughter. you fall asleep. snore. steal the silence. horde it.

we can not share. the baby. you can hold it. this baby is mine. don’t tell mom. she won’t share. is that why you left? separated by seven. states. she couldn’t share. sanity. her limited amount.

I have a coupon for a shoe discount. you are barefoot. call it generous. generalized. sharing. or your last mango. share with me. we are all hungry. here. haven’t had a good mango. ever. as in, during my lifetime. share yours.

shares of stock. pieces of labor. owned by those who do not sweat. to split up the profits. to splice between the fat guys. from america. mostly.

natural re.sources. share until they deplete. until they are exhausted. cannot contain energy. share with neighbor. build a community windmill. share the noise. the success.

(.polyamory. don’t. try it.)

Birth Card

B I R T H

(towards creating a text.)

moving in that direction. towards birth. as a process. between three people. beings. your father. myself. you. we did it together. as a collaborative process. with ecstasy in mind. to feel pleasure. divine. eruption of glad. play of skin. flesh. sweat. naught. completed in private. without audience. for no ones benefit but ours. copulate. to copulate then to birth.

missing somewhere is movement. missing some. where is a moment. of ex.change. fluids. from within. miles inside. lava. enzymes. from this exchange of enzymes becomes you. fetus. zygote. idea. poem. alive in your own. right. before me. but not now. now you are. with me. of me. growing. my death brings yours.

remember your father. his name is whisper. he will periodically offer. inspiration. he is my left leg and my right. opening together when you began. again when you release. a celebration of poetry. a joy to have in class. graduation.

Pleasure Card

P L E A S U R E

(ways to feel better)

there is music. performance. if you listen. receive. re-see. music as a substitute for prozac. attempt to dance. soothe nerves. swing with it. dueling guitars like friends. chase one. another. around the room. teasing. with passion. emotion. nice music that my father used. to groove. in the living room. eyes closed. fingers snap. mother would sing.

mmm. like orange juice. in the morning. hot coffee fresh. with cream. sugar. phantoms bite. between my thighs. reconstructing. last night. the laughter. the ice cream. scary movie. warm messy bed. feather pillows. empty glasses. your smell.

the phone rings. vibrates. anticipation quells. communication. verbal caresses. some one to love. relief. she is safe. home. shoes off.

blessings. grace. apologies. release. bury the dead. rejoice. sit with the water. with a friend. make imaginary sculptures. abandon pride. discard anger. connect. begin. enjoy.

Wager Card

W A G E R

(the pull out method)

ah yes. the pull out method. another excellent choice. whose idea. mine. o. terrific. traffic jam. just pull out. no problem. no aids. or AIDS. capital letters AIDS not aids like helpers. no invasive dis ease.s. no leaks. just put the head in. pull out. remove it. re move. to move again. re-. before blasting. off. out. pull out. like an astronaut. a military expedition. in the face. splat. ter.

pulling out. as in: stopping. not complete. leaving. good bye. see you. pull out. with effort. to pull. use strength. drag skin. effort. pull.ing. pulling out. as in: no longer in. out. side. away from. space. bet ween. now is a terrible time to wager. pull away. push toward. to push toward and then pull away. lean in. lean out. two hands. pull a rope. play tug of war with my insides.

pull out as a choice. yours. not mine. not excavated or exiled. not evicted. expunged. no military inside. pointing weapons. no agency of relief. pull out and come. somewhere. else. not her.e. come t.her.e. choose a.not.her. place. knot here.

Grafitti

Perhaps none of you know this, perhaps many of you do: There is a graffiti war taking place in Jersey City as we speak. Last night I entered it.

Grafitti is an art form that, like other art forms, arises out of an attempt to speak -- or an attempt to be heard. As an attempt to exist. We make art, write poems, create sculptures because for some reason, we are compelled to create.

Many people have frowned upon my insistence that NO GRAFFITI IS BAD GRAFFITI, even if the text or images are profane, obscene, hateful, or inciteful. (Most grafitti is not the aforementioned -- but when it is, it calls attention to a person that needs embracing, or it is a call to a community to respond with dignity and strength, which, in general, they do.)

Graffiti makers are sometimes artists (as in http://www.graffiti.org/cinci/cinci_16.html), and sometimes graffiti makers are simply people who have something to say. Maybe the painter wants to say "I exist -- and even though no one seems to see me, or care about me -- I still exist and I am going to write my name on this wall to prove it." Maybe the painter wants to say, "I am so angry about X and I have a need to respond to it in a very public way." Maybe the painter chose this medium out of a love for spray paint, or maybe the painter chose it because oil paints (27$ a tube) are three times the price of a good can of spray paint (8$ a can).

Any artist, actor, musician or poet will tell you, "I am a (writer.) I have no choice." This drive to art exists as frequently and as fervently in multi-racial teenagers from "bad neighborhoods" as it does from white girls from Rochester, NY. My artwork (the books I've recently send to many of you) has no greater value than the "BAM" tag on the bridge. I write poems because I cannot stop myself. I am constantly attempting to exist in a public way, or at least in a way that forces other people to acknowledge me. The same is true of the graffiti artist.

Last night I put down my pretension and picked up my paint.

Unlike multi-racial teenagers from "bad neighborhoods," I was never looked at suspiciously by passerbys. No one called the cops on me. Police presence was minimal, and even when I did see a police officer, he didn't slow down and ask me for information (I was being discreet, I didn't spray paint right in front of a cop, I had a great lookout person -- BUT -- the reason the cop didn't stop me was because of my race and my gender, along with the fact that I was in a rich white neighborhood.)

The minute I realized I was going to paint in public (illegally), I had a greater respect for the "BAM" tags hastily written on the bridge.

1. It's scary (even for a white girl) to tag. It's illegal. Cops are super-scary. It takes a certain level of courage. (Especially for a teenager, especially for a teenager of color, especially for any person who has any reason to fear the police, especially for any person who has heard of Sean Bell or Amadou Diallo and empathizes with their particular brand of police terrorism.)

2. Spray paint is a difficult tool to manipulate. You have to shake it to get a good and steady stream, but there's a metal ball inside the can which makes a lot of noise when you shake it, thus calling attention to yourself -- which is scary (see 1.)

3. It leaks all over your hands. Even if you're careful. You have to either wear gloves or get inked. Both have downsides.

4. You can't erase mistakes, and you generally only have a very small window of time to complete your project. Your work has to be precise.

5. It smells. It is highly flammible. The can I was using contains an ingredient which the State of California (or "California") has decided can cause cancer.

The hope is this: Next time you see a piece of graffiti -- stop. Look at it. How big is it? How long did it take to put that there? What does it say? What was the artist trying to say? What was so important that s/he risked arrest or police violence to make that statement? Make a compassionate assumption. Err on the side of understanding.

(even if the person wrote "BITCH" or "Mel is a BITCH" -- allow that uncomfortable moment to explain that the person who wrote it was really mad at mel. Maybe mel is their boss, and denied a promotion. Maybe mel is the lover who broke their trust. Maybe mel is a pseudonym for "how come my mother never loved me?")

peace.
resist.
engage.

Presence: A Collaboration

Presence

photography by Scott LaForce
text by mel kozakiewicz

The cornfield is dark. I create a connection with a being whose language I do not speak.

No entiendo. Tenderness. His shadow stands alone, as if I have entered him. He is a fantasy of a man, or I am. My crutches stand without support, embodied by spirits translated long ago by Ngozi and Keisha.

Today the tree survives only under foot, but the shadow of its former vibrance refuses to submit. Refuses death. Far from our body there is an abundance of hidden faces, each studying our gesture of silence. The focus is on the scarcity. On the light.

We come across a refridgerator, where we commence our dance. He removes the doors and props them up against its shoulders, dressing it. He is proud of the space he has altered. I say mire esto but he monopolizes our mouth. I approach the piece of paper which diagrams the inner workings of the subject but he adjusts the shelves, caresses their edge.

We move through wet grass. The light is permanent. We evade its weight. My comfort grows in the impossibility of our union, my corporeal disappearance.

The cows startle me. I cower inside his breath. Lights interrogate his intentions, but he is confident. He asks where I have gone. He cannot find me amidst the cows. The energies have muddled. The pungence in his nose empowers me to occupy his throat. He gags. The walls volley the sound like a ball.

I do not know how long I will rest inside him. He scratches at our feet. The hay is sharp. What restrains the cows? Is there contentment?