ms. mel kozakiewicz responds to California’s Prop 8

A week or so has passed since the victory dance, and I am as ready as I will be to respond to California’s decision to ban same sex marriages.

First: An explanation of why I waited:

Like it or don’t, I am an American. I did not choose to be an American but I haven’t renounced my citizenship and I do not plan to in the next four years. As an American or “american” I took great interest in the outcome of the election. To me, as well as (I assume) many other A/americans, this election was about more than one Mister Barack Obama versus one Mister John McCain. (Sarah Who?)

A/american history is so full of racism that we still celebrate Independence Day on July 4. You know the story. On July 4, 1776, “we” finally found “our” independence from Britain. Except that slavery wasn’t abolished until 1865. And then legal segregation came in strong, haunting “us” until the 1970’s, complete with lynching and terrorism by police officers. The history is gory at best.

I am a person who believes that when major traumatic events happen to millions of people for hundreds of years, it takes a significant period of time to move past it regardless of which racial side our ancestors lived on. Simply put: I am one of the people who knows that racism. still. exists. I believe racism exists in our psyches as individuals as well as in our collective consciousness as a country. I believe that (unarmed) Sean Bell was shot at (and killed) by undercover NYPD officers because of the emotions or gut reactions buried deep inside the shooters, brought on by his race. I believe that if my white brother was walking out of that club with a group of his white friends (who were the same age as Sean Bell at that time) they would not have gotten shot at. I believe the officers would have trusted their gut reactions to not shoot.

Stay here with me. I’m getting to gay marriage.

I believe that the constitution was written by slave-owning white men who were primarily interested in creating a document to secure the freedom and liberty of themselves, and did not account for the opinions or liberties of their wives or their slaves. (Note that both “wife” and “slave” are words which define folks in relationship to a dominant.) I believe that because of the history which goes on and on, A/americans have a severe problem with race and racism. Still. Because Sean Bell was killed in 2006. Because James Byrd was dragged to his death behind a truck in 1998. And Because LAST WEEK, Randy Gray, a Republican Precinct delegate from Michigan was photographed protesting the Obama victory in Ku Klux Klan robe with his face showing. Proud.

As such:

When A/americans who have been disenfranchised for as long as their cell-memories can maintain are able to motivate themselves to believe that change is possible, and then actually make their belief become a reality, I believe that we have something to celebrate. Isn’t it wonderful? Isn’t it wonderful. Isn’t it wonderful.

And no. I do not believe that racism is over because A/americans voted a Black president into office. But I do believe that Barack Obama’s new job provides a visual representation to children (who don’t know about racism yet) that they can dream big. I believe that Barack Obama’s new job legitimizes the possibility that when people work together, change can happen. I believe that Barack Obama’s new job demonstrates that Republicans don’t always cheat, and that A/americans aren’t satisfied with the bloody administration who is STEALING from us RIGHT UNDER OUR NOSES. With our permission.

So I haven’t responded to the haters in California because I wanted to celebrate. We fight and we kick and we scream and when we finally have a tiny bit of reprieve, I want to participate in the celebration.

But now: On to the haters.

I get it. I’m gay too. (Mostly.) I actually prefer the term “queer” because it allows a more fluid expression. The point is that I get the problem. The problem is that the state, A/america, gives benefits to married couples which include really important things like health care (offered by corporations, legitimized by the state), tax benefits, and adoption rights. There are over a thousand of these benefits. These privileges are not afforded to same-sex couples because they are not married. So queers are saying, hey! We’re A/americans too! Let us get married! That way when my partner of 20 years dies in a twin tower, I can get some of that hush money from the government too. (Look up Luke Dudek.)

It’s true. It’s not fair. I get it. And if my tone is flip, this is why:

I believe that queers are fighting the wrong battle, which, in this case, really sucks because it seems like we just lost. Never fear, my friends, we didn’t totally lose, we only sort of lost. Let me explain.

I’m not convinced that as member of this A/american queer community, marriage is my battle. I feel like fighting for marriage is the gay equivilent of “Drill Baby Drill.” It’s antiquated. It’s a short-term solution and it’s only useful to some of us. I wonder why our relationship status affects our taxes or our health care.

(I’m going to say that again.)

I wonder why our relationship status affects our taxes or our health care.

I wonder who sets the goals for the community at large, (I don’t wonder. I know.) and why their priorities are so different than mine. I wonder why we’re spending SO MUCH MONEY on this particular issue. I wonder why the queer community doesn’t seem to give a shit about my transmen friends who can’t seem to get jobs, despite their master’s degrees. I wonder when the name Sakia Gunn is going to matter as much as the name Matthew Shepherd. I wonder when crystal meth is going to be less of a problem, and why no one has put any money into figuring out why so many of us are addicted to drugs that will kill us. (Can I get a shrink over here?)

Furthermore: One of the things that queer communities have been really good at is imagining new kinds of family structures and new relationship bonds that aren’t necessarily parallel to the tradition we’re calling marriage. While we’re fighting for marriage, we’re forgetting our roots and the multiplicity of formats our relationships take, privileging only the ones that look like theirs. Which is ok, but we can do better. We can, at the very least, pretend to care about the entire community, and not just the parts of it that seem comfortable and familiar to the heteros. Just because they don’t care about our wounded members doesn’t mean we don’t have to. We’re family, right?

So thanks to the haters in California for raining on our parade, and for reminding us that to them, even the monogamous cracker queers aren’t okay in the eyes of their Lord, and that our relationships aren’t as important or meaningful or devastating as theirs are. And to the queers who have found themselves swept up in the idea that if we have marriage, we’ll be legit, double back. Make sure.

As always,
peace or justice,
ms. mel